Left
by Adi88
Summary: There is one person in your life you should be able to depend on, always and no matter what. Unfortunately for the Sohmas and Tohru, should has little bearing on reality.
1. Chapter 1

AN: I really don't like poetry, which makes me feel vaguely guilty. So when I find some poetry I do like, I try to squeeze some use out of it… Thus we have this, which reminded me so much of our two favorite rivals. The poem, _The Little Boy Lost_, is by William Blake. And, rather importantly, the parent referred to in the actual poem is the masculine one. However, in the case of both Yuki and Kyo, their mothers have proved the more important figures and while Kyo's biological father is admittedly quite the bastard, he has Kazuma. Oh, and the poem… I kept the rather erratic eighteenth century spelling and punctuation. Beg pardon.

Oh! And, about Hatori's eyes… I stick with the manga as much as possible whenever possible, and I thought they were blue. I was dead sure. Turns out they're purple, at least on the cover of the seventh book, so…

Disclaimer: If I could write poetry like this, I wouldn't be bloody well on the site, would I? Well… actually…I would. But I didn't write the poem and I do not now and never will own _Fruits Basket_.

Dedication: For yukiislikesnow, for many, many reasons.

* * *

_The Little Boy Lost_

"_Mother! mother! where are you going? _

"_O do not walk so fast. _

"_Speak, mother, speak to your little boy, _

"_Or else I shall be lost." _

_The night was dark, no mother was there;_

_The child was wet with dew;_

_The mire was deep, & the child did weep, _

_And away the vapour flew. _

The room is very, very large, which, one would think, would make it easier to breathe in. But with this many people in it, one would very obviously be wrong.

It's hot and crowded, and some of the adults have begun to pass from tipsy to drunk, which means the conversation is getting louder. But it's all in the family, so no one really minds.

And if they don't like it and think that matters, then they were born into the wrong family and have been ignoring a life's worth of experience to boot.

Of course, no one will get _too_ drunk. Because what people do when they get drunk is let things slip, and no Sohma does that, not ever. At least not on purpose, not without deliberate nudging.

We've always been more of a smoking family.

A breath of refreshingly cold air whistles in as the porch door slides open and then closed behind a tall, black-haired and purple-eyed young man who had probably stepped out for a breath of fresh air.

I wonder vaguely if it helped Ha-san, and figure that even if it didn't he's likely told himself very firmly that it has and will believe it for long enough to get through this little family gathering.

"Shigure-san," comes the frigid, impatient voice.

"Ah!" I straighten up and bow as Aya's mother walks toward me, pale hair never moving in its perfectly coiffed bun. "May I assist you in any way?"

"My son, have you seen him? Akito-sama wants him." She looks at her watch. "We were supposed to have left by now…"

I frown. "Beg pardon, but Akito wants to see Aya?" _What for?_

She looks at me blankly, almost nods instinctively, and then shakes her head impatiently. "Yuki."

"Oh." I raise my eyebrows. "Little dove's fled the coop, has he?"

"I don't know… No, he probably just went to fetch something." She looks at me sharply. "Akito-sama trusts you."

"Oh, you flatter me! If I could but lay claim to such a gift –"

She waves an impatient, elegant hand, one shaped so much like Aya's it's a bit disorienting. "Likes you, at least. You're one of his. My point is, if I told him you were going to get Yuki he'd let us leave. So will you cast an eye about so that I can make my appointment?"

"Of course." I say, feeling that this party's lost most of its appeal anyway – the people I needed to speak with are spoken with, everything is set to run smoothly, and if anything momentous happens – which it won't – I have two loyal spies at hand, even if one of them probably won't notice unless he sees it in a mirror.

"Thank you." She smiles tightly – it's no secret she doesn't like me, for many reasons, some of them perfectly valid – and starts off to fetch her husband.

"Where did you see him last?"

She pauses. "In the hallway." She sighs, stalling a moment longer. "To tell the truth, the boy's probably hiding somewhere. I had to be a bit short with him, and you know how over sensitive he is."

I make a noncommittal sound of agreement – she's far beyond use, so making her feel guilty isn't expedient – and this time she really does walk away.

I set out to find little Yun-chan.

* * *

An Hour Earlier

"_What did you want?" _

I'll hit you!

_I look at my feet, bangs hiding my eyes. _

It isn't wrong if you're mine.

"_Well? Yuki, I don't have all night." _

"_I – Mother, I know Akito is – that he has every right to do – everything he does. But I – I can't live here any longer." The last sentence bursts out, not loudly but filled with tension. _

_As long as it's not loud, as long as no one hears, she won't get angry. _

_I don't risk looking up. "I cannot live in the same house as him. I know we're still in the complex, but it would make all the difference if I could just move out of this house." If my bedroom wasn't just a few hallways away from his. _

"_What are you talking about?" _

_I finally look up, desperate. "Please, Mother. I have to move out of here." I struggle with every instinct that is screaming at me not to tell, not to even hint, and manage, "He hurt – I got hurt and I –" _

_She barely even meets my eyes as her vision tracks down to her watch. "I don't have time for this. You live here now; it's just how things are. We can't go against the Head, re-arrange everything, because you fell down. You're twelve now, Yuki. Act your age."_

Fell down?

_I think again about the night a week ago, as if I've been able to stop thinking of it for more than a few seconds since it happened. _

_I take a deep breath. I don't want to do this, because I've been pretending all my life that if it came down to it I could. If things got bad enough, this would work. It's my safety net, the one thing left from my immediate family. _

_And now I'm afraid, certain, that the net is going to break. _

"_Mother, please trust me. I didn't fall down, and he didn't just hit me. I wouldn't bother_

_you about something insignificant. But I need to leave_." I need you to get me out. I need to know…

Don't you care at all?

_She shakes her head vaguely. It isn't that she's being purposefully cruel, really, just that she has other things, more important than I am. _

_Always. Everything is. _

I suppose… I suppose I was hoping that there was something… 

"_Look, Yuki. You are Akito's now, all right? Your father and I barely have legal jurisdiction over you, never mind all this. If you have a problem, go to him." _

_And she walks away. _

_

* * *

_

Present_  
_

Yuki is in the first place I look, his bedroom. He's lying on his stomach on the bed, a book open before him.

I cough politely, leaning on the doorframe, and allow him the dignity of not noticing the way he jerks before he identifies the source of the sound.

Of course, it takes a moment in the pitch-dark room, lit only by the glow from the windows to other rooms, faded and orange by the time it comes through this one.

Odd, seeing as he was reading a moment ago, hmm?

"I told Akito you'd be there in a moment."

He nods, standing without actually sitting on the bed for any longer than a second. He should be fairly healed up by now, but it probably has become something of a habit.

"And I told him you were a bit iffy. Bad sushi. So you can actually take that moment."

He walks past me, waits for me to move so that he can close the door.

"Thank you, Shigure, that won't be necessary." He smoothes out his clothes, making a good, presentable picture.

"Are you sure? I understand you and your mother had a bit of a tiff."

He looks at me curiously. "Oh? No, I just asked her for a favor. Idiotic of me, really." He sounds perfectly casual.

I saunter alongside him as he starts, making him go a bit slower out of politeness. "Mm, you know, you could always ask Ha-san or I for anything you need. We live but to serve our adorable little cousins! Particularly the teenage ones." I stop him in the light spilling from an empty room. "Hold on."

With my sleeve, I wipe the last traces of tear-tracks from his cheeks. "There."

He stares at me silently for a moment, and I add, "It isn't your fault, Yuki. None of it. You can't help who they are."

He looks down, takes a deep breath, and then looks back up.

I can't help him.

He smiles that perfect smile and says, "Thank you, for everything, Shigure." He's being sincere about that, at least. "But I had no right or reason to expect anything but what she gave me. It was my own fault for being so foolish. And I should really get back to the party now."

It isn't that he was crying that bothers me. When people cry… when they're wounded… they're vulnerable. You can hurt them so much more then, true, which is why they don't show you often. But you can also help them.

I watch as he walks with perfect, measured steps back to the crowded room.

It's only after the wounds have scarred that you can't do anything. That it's too late.

No, it's not that...

What bothers me is that he's finished crying.

* * *

AN: Okay, Kyo's chapter is coming up this weekend, hopefully. But now that I think about it, with a few gender pronoun shifts, this thing could apply to Akito, Tohru, maybe Haru, probably Rin... Any suggestions, requests?

Please, _please_ review!


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Just remember, the poem is by William Blake and I switched "father" for "mother" because it seems more relevant for my purposes.

Some of the dialogue and asmuch of the details as I could find are taken from Volume 6, other than that this is purely conjecture. Oh, and ages... I'm place Kyo at six because he looked about two to me in the manga, and that's kind of how it goes with ages and me. Akito's nine because I think he has to be at least nineteen in the present. And all this makes Kazuma roughly thirty.

In case there is any doubt, the dedication remains the same throughout the story. --lovelorn sigh--

Disclaimer: Don't own it, never will, have no money so don't even bother.

* * *

_The Little Boy Lost _

"_Mother! mother! where are you going? _

"_O do not walk so fast. _

"_Speak, mother, speak to your little boy, _

"_Or else I shall be lost." _

_The night was dark, no mother was there;_

_The child was wet with dew;_

_The mire was deep, & the child did weep, _

_And away the vapour flew. _

I kneel in the oppressive, darkened room, the only light spilling from that window he watches everything through.

He never asked for this life, I realize that. But no one forced him to live it, either. He could change things, is perhaps the only one who could. He simply doesn't.

"Kazuma-dono…" he drawls, and I sit upright, meeting his eyes. "Hatori said you want to talk to me about Kyo?"

"Yes, Akito-sama," I say calmly.

He twists his mouth, displeased, though I couldn't say at what. I don't let it bother me. He generally is displeased.

"Well? What about the monster? What could you possibly have to say to me about one of _my_ juunishi?"

"Akito-sama, I would humbly beg a great favor of you." I pause, musing on the fact that the boy's fate rests entirely on this troubled god's mood at this moment, the incongruity of my asking a nine-year-old for this particular favor at all.

I honestly believe I may be the only Sohma that remember these things are odd. For a Sohma, my upbringing was very… liberal. I don't assume the child is a monster, for one thing.

Either child.

"Yes…? Were you going to beg today, or should I come back later?"

"Excuse me, I became distracted. The favor I would ask you… Akito-sama, I would adopt Kyo."

He tilts his head. "Why?" He doesn't even feign surprise, and I realize why I was granted an audience on such short notice. "He has a father."

"He does. It is my opinion that his father has neither the will nor the capability to care for a child."

He leans forward, dropping his chin into his hand. "And you do."

"I would not presume to guarantee it. But I know that I would try, and I believe his father has no interest in making that attempt."

"What of it?"

This is all… a test. He knew what I wanted. And why, I wonder, is he bothering to listen…?

"What if his father is no true parent? He will be no worse off than most of us. And he deserves worse. He's a monster."

"He is also a child. No child deserves that."

"And yet you did not offer to adopt Ritsu or Rin, Ayame or Momiji, to name only the juunishi who could have used your generous offer."

He slides from his window and walks silently over to me, eyes reflecting the light because there is none in them.

"So why Kyo?"

I see. You know I don't fear you, not as I should. You think that if I expose this part of myself to you, you will have a measure of control over me.

"Akito-sama knows that my grandfather was the cat." He smiles. "I was cruel to him. I wish to make amends."

_If you believe it will help, you are welcome to it._

"Ah. I see." His face returns to its imperturbable mask. "How very interesting." And he smiles again. "Kazuma-dono… You may take Kyo. His father will not object, regardless of his personal feelings on the matter. You will, of course, be bound to live within the compound and will receive a comfortable salary, more than sufficient for both of your needs."

"Akito-san, you needn't –"

"_Yes?_"

"As you wish."

"You may leave. Contact the boy as soon as you see fit. I will send someone to his father immediately."

I bow once more, and stand to leave. "Thank you, Akito-sama." I turn.

"Kazuma…" I stop. "You're doing this because only one thing weighs on your paltry conscience. Selfish motivation, nothing more. But you won't live with that boy, that monster, without growing to love him." He smiles, a luminescent smirk that makes my skin crawl as it hasn't in my adult life. "I don't need to control you, Kazuma. I control him."

_Three Weeks Earlier_

"_Kyooo-kuuun!" I can hear her voice, and I can tell she's getting closer. I hug my knees and giggle, stifling the sound with my hand. _

"_I'm going to fiiind you," Mommy singsongs. _

_I'm in the cupboard, under the sink, and she is not. Going to find me, I mean. 'Cause I have an idea. _

_She's very close now, giggling too, easy to track. _

_So when she comes to these cupboard doors, leaving the others swinging and creaking happily behind her, I wedge myself in the top, feet and hands in all four corners, and press with all my strength to keep myself there. _

_It's hard, but I stay there, behind the lip, and when she moves on… _

_I don't realize that she isn't giggling anymore at first. _

_And I didn't know I wasn't supposed to be able to do that. How could I know? _

"_Boo!" I cry a few minutes later, having let myself down long ago, hiding behind the doors. _

"_Oh!" Mommy gasps and whirls, face going pale. _

_People talk about how kids notice stuff more, little things that grown-ups miss, little tip offs about how people really are. But I don't, not then. Maybe it is a kid thing and it's just me that doesn't. That's blind… that's stupid. _

_But the first thing she does, even as she asks me where I was and tries to keep her voice calm, is check my bracelet. _

_Then she calls Shigure to come and watch me, and tells me how lucky he is to get to spend time with her little boy. And then she goes out to get some groceries. _

_Shigure-nii plays some cool games with me, and stuff, so I don't notice how long it's been at first, but then I kind of start to wonder. I start wishing she'd come back. _

_The door opens and for a second – just a second – I change my mind and pray that it isn't her after all, because I'm having fun and I know Shigure is going to have to leave as soon as she gets here. _

_It's just dad, and Shigure-nii doesn't leave because dad can't watch me right now. _

_But it has kind of been a while, and when the phone rings I tell Shigure he should get it in case it's her. So he does. _

_It isn't her. _

_When he hangs up, he doesn't say anything for a long time, and I think I yell at him because his face is scaring me. _

_He doesn't seem to mind. He puts his arms around me and won't let go while he tells me what the call was about, even though I yell some more and hit him. _

_He does hold me. _

_But then he has to leave, and after that Dad throws a plate on the ground and a shard catches my leg. It's when he tells me Mommy's gone because of me. Because she hated me so much she couldn't live. _

_

* * *

_

I knock on the door, and settle in. I'm right.

Kyo's father is not a man to inconvenience himself over something like a visitor, and it's nearly two full minutes before he opens the door.

He did love his wife, in his own way, I suppose. Certainly he is upset by her loss. His drinking and beating her most likely did not contribute felicitations to their marriage while she lived, but he looks back on it with fondness if his present state is any indication.

He is smoking and, by the smell, has been doing this constantly for quite some time. He does not appear to have slept, eaten, or washed lately.

"What do you – oh. Kazuma, is it? Well then. Come on in and take it away." He turns from the door and shuffles away into the darkened house. "Get it away from me… murdering monster…"

In the shadowed room he points to, Kyo, looking painfully small and alone, is sprawled on the floor with a notebook and some pens, scribbling feverishly.

"Kazuma-dono," he says stiffly, "Take it."

Kyo looks up, startled, and his father bows briefly to me, and without ever looking at his son leaves the room.

He has not bothered to tell him.

Kyo looks at me with huge, frightened eyes. I can only imagine what he thinks. That he's to be punished…

All his life, one person has told him unequivocally that he is human.

And she died.

What, in storybook, childish morality, does that tell him?

"Kyo," I say softly, "My name is Sohma Kazuma. I'm not here to hurt you."

"You – you're supposed to take me away though?" He asks, fingers curling, scratching along the floorboards as if he could cling to them.

"If you want to –"

"Well I don't!" He shouts abruptly. "I don't want to leave!"

_You want to stay where she was. But she can't help you, not here, Kyo._

"Kyo, if you decide to stay I will respect your wish. But if you would listen –"

"No!" He jumps up and runs out, down a hallway and outside.

The breeze from the doorway rustles the yellowed pages of the notebook.

Every one of them is covered with awkwardly scrawled pictures of a woman holding a little boy.

* * *

Outside, the air is clearer, though the smell of the house lingers. 

A few yards away, a boy with bright orange hair is standing beside a pond. I can see only his back, but his small shoulders are shaking with tension.

Beyond him, two women are standing across the water, openly whispering of him. As I come up behind him, I can make out the few words that float over the water.

"…doesn't…cry…"

"…mother died."

"… _he's_ the… pushed… suicide."

I'd nearly forgotten… 

It is sickening. That they would think it is, perhaps, merely human and Sohma. They have accepted a faulty teaching, and such is their prerogative.

But they're going to make him accept it as well. All his life, these people will tell him he is a monster. How can he do anything but agree?

"Shut up."

I blink. I know he has a temper, from what I've seen, but Sohma children are supposed to mind their tongues. It's always surprising when one dares speak up.

"Shut up! It's not my fault! _It's not my fault!_"

"That's right," I say gently, stepping forward. I allow myself the luxury of a glare at the women, and they scurry away with scandalized expressions.

"I know," I add when he turns to look at me.

At his expression of complete disbelief, I kneel.

He's so strong… But how long could he have held up under this? How long can any child?

_No wonder she kept you away from them all. _

_But it isn't going to work forever. _

"It's all right," I repeat. "I know."

_You're not a monster. You're not the only one who knows. Not even now, now that she's gone._

"…" His face crumples, the barrier he's been pounding gone, leaving him to fall.

"Kyo…? Won't you come stay with me?" I stand, allowing him some measure of privacy. "I may not look like it, but I'm actually an instructor at a karate dojo. If you're interested, you should try it."

He looks up at me, skepticism and hope mixing in his features. "Dad…"

"Your father has agreed, if you wish it. I know we've only just met, Kyo, but I don't believe you can be happy in this home. Would you like to try mine?"

He glares up at me, fear of the hope he feels clearly written on his features.

_You can do this, Kyo. They haven't beaten you yet. You can be free._

_You didn't make her leave._

"I guess…" he mutters, "I could… you know." He wipes his eyes clear stubbornly and grabs my hand as if daring me to pull away, to show that I am like them, that this is a cruel joke and his hopes have been buried with his mother.

I curl my fingers around his gently, and he's the one who pulls away, eyes wide.

But he finishes, "I could try."

* * *

AN: Reviews desperately needed. Well, they always are, but really here. I don't feel I have much of a handle on either Kazuma or Kyo, no matter how much I like them, so I'd like to know how I did. 

Next up: Tohru, because I have Volume 1 handy for once.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: First and foremost, William Blake did write a poem called _The Little Girl Lost_, but this is not it. This is _The Little Boy Lost_ with fitting gender shifts from "boy" to "girl" (and "father" to "mother"). I didn't use the actual _Little Girl_ one because I didn't like it. Oh and for the record, he also wrote _The Little Boy Found_ and _The Little Girl Found_.

Then, once again, I've taken what I could wring from Volume 1, but other than that this is conjecture. And bear with Tohru's grandfather calling her Tohru that once; I figure he wasn't in the habit of calling her Kyoko-san yet.

One last thing: I know this was before Tohru had any real contact with Yuki, but she did seem to have been paying him at least cursory (inasmuch as Tohru can do anything without devoting her heart and soul to it…) homage as High School Prince from way back, so I put in a little mention of him.

Dedication: Still, always, and forever: yukiislikesnow.

* * *

_The Little Girl Lost_

"_Mother! mother! where are you going? _

"_O do not walk so fast. _

"_Speak, mother, speak to your little girl, _

"_Or else I shall be lost." _

_The night was dark, no mother was there;_

_The child was wet with dew;_

_The mire was deep, & the child did weep, _

_And away the vapour flew. _

"Our house is so small."

_Kyoko-san… You were like a daughter to me. _

"She's too young to get married."

Even after my Katsuya died, she took care of me, the way girls used to when things were simpler. Neater times.

"Mommy, can I have candy?"

I never thought she could die. She was so vivacious, so aggressively full of life. Not one of those weak-willed girls you get nowadays. No, she took care of me because she wanted to.

"My parents are staying at my place."

_And now she's gone. What are we supposed to do? _

"Quiet! Calm down."

This last comes from a tall man who seems to think he can do something to help here. Maybe he can, I wouldn't know. I'm just an old man who's not quite there anymore. That's what they think.

But they're the ones using my Kyoko's wake to bicker over one of their petty confusions.

"All right," the man says, looking around at everyone with an expression that might suggest he isn't sure what to now that they're looking at him. They won't mind. They'll squabble about everything he says, but they'll do it. And get to blame him when things go wrong.

"All right," he repeats. "Now, everyone with a house large enough for another occupant, please consider the girl's predicament before you reject her out of hand." He keeps talking, singling people out one by one. As each one comes up with an excuse, the girl in the corner, dressed in black and clutching a white bag, sinks lower into her chair.

Looking at her, something in the back of my mind chimes. Recognition.

At first, I think it's her expression. It looks like my heart. The hole behind her eyes is so deep and empty.

Then something fills it and tears spill out, and I know what it is. She's Kyoko's girl.

_Kyoko-san… my Kyoko-san… How could you leave her? _

I surprise myself by feeling angry.

_Couldn't you have driven more carefully? Couldn't you have…_

But of course she couldn't. That was Kyoko-san.

I hoist myself to my feet and shuffle over. "Tohru-san, would you like to come stay with me?" I ask.

She looks up at me. Her face is too blurry for me to really make out, but her tone is heartbreaking.

"Oh – oh, Grandpa, you don't have to do that. You should be enjoying your retirement, not taking care of another child. And – and I'm sure they'll – sort it out." Her face works into a rictus even I can make out, a travesty, that such a pretty face should be made ugly by an attempt to smile.

"Oh, is that what they're arguing about?" I wonder vaguely. Surely not, not right in front of her. But then, she so vehemently _doesn't mind…_

"No, no, you must move in with me. It will be good. An old man doesn't want to be alone, you know. I can't take care of everything by myself."

"But I couldn't possibly impose," she starts, face turning bright red. This won't do at all; she's nothing like Kyoko. People will take advantage of her, if she doesn't stand up for herself.

"Do you not want to come with me?" I ask. Maybe she really doesn't. She could have other plans.

"No, I do! I love you very much Grandpa! And I would take good care of you and your house and make your food and pay for my own schooling and everything!"

"Good, good," I say. She seems very determined, and so insistent. "You come with me then," I add.

The wake's over really. When we walk past the others, they stare at Tohru for some reason, and she bows. She's still thanking them when I walk out the door, and has to run to catch up.

_Three Weeks Earlier_

_"Honda-san, would you please come to the psychologist's office? There was a call for you."_

"_Ah… yes!" I cry, blushing. _

Oh no, what is it? Am I in trouble?

_I bet Sensei is really embarrassed, having me called out of her class like that. I bet Sohma-kun thinks I've done something awful. _

_I smile over my shoulder at Hana-chan and Uo-chan, so they won't worry, and start down the hall after the assistant. _

_I want to ask what the call's about, but that might be rude. They might think I was trying to fake innocence for whatever crime I'm being accused of. I would never do that! If I did something, I would own up to it right away! I wouldn't want anyone else blamed for my sins. _

"_I confess!" _

_The assistant looks over his shoulder at me. "What?" _

"_I mean, if I had done something, I would confess." I cover my face. "Do you think I did something?" What if it's the police on the phone? _

"_Nooo… Um… did you?" _

"_No! I mean, I don't think so. Maybe I did without meaning to? Do you think that could be it?" _

"_Ah… Honda, you are really strange, you know that? Anyway, I think they just want to talk to you for some reason." _

"_Oh. Okay. I'm sorry for being strange." _

"_That's okay." He rolls his eyes. "Here you go, then." He opens the door and I step into the psych office, bowing my thanks just before he closes the door. _

"_Honda-san?" Says the nice woman behind the desk. I mean, she looks nice. I wouldn't know from first-hand experience because I've never had to come here before. I only just started high school this year, after all. _

"_Yes! I am!" I try to stand to attention and look respectable and not bring shame to the family name. _

"_Please have a seat, Honda-san. I have some news that will be very hard for you to hear." _

_The bottom of my stomach drops away. "Wh – what news…?" _

"_Please have a seat." _

_I finally do. The room seems so dark all of a sudden. And the chair is so awkward… I'm used to chairs at school, but something about it seems different. _

"_Honda-san, I just received a call from the Takai Hospital. There's been an accident." _

"_No." _

"_I'm very sorry, Honda-san, but your mother…there was an automobile accident, and she didn't make it." _

"_No. No, you – she –" I force myself to smile. "Not my mother." _

"_I realize this is hard to accept, Honda-kun. And I'm going to be right here with you to help you work through your grief –" _

"_I have to go." My voice reaches my ears a little too late, and I sound oddly like Hana-chan. _

"_What? Honda-san, please sit back down –" _

I didn't tell her. I didn't tell her. I – did – n't – tell – her –

Be safe!

_The words race through my mind over and over in time to the pounding of my feet. On the floor, squeaking on the linoleum. On the steps, flashing so fast I can't see them. On the sidewalk, on the street, on and on. _

Please, no you're lying, you're lying.

_But if she was lying I would have gone to Mom's work, wouldn't I? Not… not to the hospital. _

_I look up the address in a public telephone book. I forget it and have to look it up again, and this time I tear out the page. _

_The names are hard to read now, but I know which one I want. I run there. It's a small town. _

_But I go _so slowly…

_I run across the sidewalk, up the stairs, down the linoleum-floored halls. Reverse. Backwards. Turn back time. Bring her back._

Mom -!

_I ask at the desk for Honda Kyoko and the man tells me that only family members are allowed. _

_I say, "I was her daughter." _

_He looks at me oddly and then he checks the computer and looks up again with all the blood gone from his face. _

"_She was – the body's in the room still. She just –" _

"_Which room? Please?" _

"_Room 419. Up the elevator behind you to the fourth floor, take the first right and you'll see it." _

"_Thank you." I bow and run away. _

_The elevator ride is very long, and I can hear the chains holding me up over thirty feet of empty air, more with the basement… it could break. _

Please god, let it break.

_First right. Keep going. 415, 417… _

_I push open the door and can't remember if it's the right one. It isn't, it isn't but I can't move, because that woman in the bed…_

_The lights are off. Her head is turned away from me. Her bright red hair could be Mom's, but she's so small. _

_So very small… _

"_Mommy?" _

_I know it's not the wrong room. I know that the shell on the bed, the body, is not my mom, but that until a while ago it was. _

_She used to be in there. _

_I fall on my knees beside her and put my head in my hands on the bed. _

_That hair… the color of leaves in autumn. It's funny, how alive they look, isn't it? Hair is like that too – it looks alive, but really it's all dead, all but the bit by your scalp…_

_Leaves…when really they're so colorful because they're bleeding inside. _

_Because they're dead. _

"_Mommy…" _

I don't understand. You were just there. You were in there. You smiled at me and told me you were going to work.

What am I supposed to do?

How could you leave me?

Where did you go?

_I stand and reach out, and gently turn her head. The skin feels cold and like… like my fingerprints will stay in it. Like clay._

"You have a fever again. You don't have to push yourself so hard."

But I did. I had to take care of her. And… and she had to take care of me.

"Tohru, you must always be yourself… and do things at your own pace." I guess maybe I could have, when you were there. I… really could have.

Not anymore.

"Someday… you'll catch up."

Really, Mom?

_I know it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. I can never remember quite how many of each, but anyway… _

_That's just science. _

_Smiles can be so much heavier than frowns. _

_

* * *

_

"Kyoko-san."

"I'm _Tohru_, Grandpa. Dinner's ready."

"Thank you, Kyoko-san."

"I'm Tohru."

I know who she is, but her name is Kyoko-san, too.

"Come on in here, Grandpa, and we'll eat, okay?"

"Good, good… Just let me get dressed first, Kyoko-san."

"Tohru, but okay! I'll just be in the kitchen making sure everything stays warm!" She hums as she goes about her work, a tune the other Kyoko-san used to whistle.

I shuffle off to do that, and when I'm done I find a little note on my table.

_Tell Kyoko about the family. Ask about housing while remodeling._

Oh, yes. I'd written myself a little note. To make sure I didn't forget. Honestly, I'd lose my own head if it wasn't screwed on my neck.

So when I get back downstairs, I tell her first thing to make sure.

Ask about housing… 

She could stay with us. They would find room. But I've been thinking about this, imagining this little Kyoko-san living in one house with them. Getting used to it and how they'll treat her. How they'll grind her down.

"My daughter's family is coming to live with us. I though it would be nice to remodel the house before they arrive. During the remodeling, I'll be staying at their place. I'm sorry but could you stay with a friend during that time?"

For a moment, she looks so lost. Not at all like the old Kyoko-san. And then determination lights her features, and she cries, "…Okay!"

She did just lose her mother. Maybe this is wrong.

But with Kyoko-san gone… and look at this little one smile. It could be thought heartless, that she seems so happy so soon.

"Good good. Thank you, Kyoko-san."

If I didn't know what a lie it is.

No, she needs to be somewhere where she can tell the truth, even if that means being by herself.

She needs to know she can stand on her own, and she needs to know now.

I just wish I could give her more time.

* * *

Reviews equal life. Please be honest, I beg you, but even if you don't want to be honest just review!

And up next: Momiji, by the 16th at the latest.


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Momiji'll be five, since that's the oldest I can reasonably make him and his mom can't have gone through much longer than that without completely losing it/ getting used to it. This makes Hatori seventeen and Akito nine. Ooh… and also, that makes it the same year I have Kyo's mom dying. Bad year for the Sohma kids, ne?

Disclaimer: I forgot this last time, didn't I…? Well, I don't own the characters or the story or anything here and I never meant to claim it. It's all Takaya's. Also, the poem is not mine, the line is from _The Secret Garden_, and the question, "What do you want me to say?" and response "Lie to me," are from _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_'s "Lie to Me."

* * *

_The Little Boy Lost_

"_Mother! mother! where are you going? _

"_O do not walk so fast. _

"_Speak, mother, speak to your little boy, _

"_Or else I shall be lost." _

_The night was dark, no mother was there;_

_The child was wet with dew;_

_The mire was deep, & the child did weep, _

_And away the vapour flew. _

I've been told to do this, and I will. That is what I do. I obey orders. When they come from the right people…

_Hatori, just take care of this. The woman's becoming an embarrassment – more of one than she was, a foreigner, and getting married right out of college like that. She's lucky she gave birth to another like you, or Akito-san likely would have nullified the marriage instead of giving that man a business to run. _

_My Hatori, ease her pain, will you? I don't like to see Momitchi suffer over her. I want his eyes on me. _

Sometimes I do wonder about my judgment in whose orders I obey.

Only I didn't choose them. One is my father, the other my god. They're what I have.

"Are you really… are you really okay with forgetting?"

I don't doubt. I don't question. But it's a simple moral duty to make sure she wants this, to be as sure as possible since it is, for once, her choice. They've only told me to do this because she seemed so anxious for it.

"You're sure you won't… regret it?"

Her face lifts slowly, her smile nothing short of crazed. "The greatest regret I have in this life… is that that _creature _came out of my body."

I don't flinch. I'm used to being a monster.

To being unforgiven.

But I feel sick when I hear the scuffle of small feet behind the door.

It isn't her fault. She shouldn't have to deal with this.

But it isn't his fault either. And he should never have heard that. Should never have lived for five years like this, with this…

"I want," I say, my voice emotionless, "you to close your eyes and relax. Everything is going to be alright now."

I put my hand over her eyes and make Momitchi disappear, and in my mind I can hear Yuki crying for his friends.

* * *

I knock on Momitchi's door. 

I don't regret it. I can't, because if I do… I'll regret it all.

It had to be done.

"Momitchi," I say when there is no answer. "It's me, Hatori. May I come in?"

The silence lasts a moment longer, and then he says, "_Why_?"

_What more can you do? _

"I need to speak with you a moment."

The disbelieving silence lasts a suffocating eternity, and then the door opens. He looks up from beneath his blue cap and… doesn't smile.

The sheer weight of his ever-present smile's absence…

"Your… your father wants me to take you to the Main House. He needs to be with your mother now."

"Ja, I know." He almost turns his mouth up at the corners. "Mutti will get better now. Because I'm gone."

"Yes, she'll get better."

_Oh, Aya. And you think I always know what to say. _

"Have you got your things?"

"I have…" he turns and disappears, reappearing with a bag. He looks up at me with a hint of dying desperation. "I thought Vati was going to drop me off?"

"He can't leave your mother just now." I say. There is nothing to follow it, nothing to make it all right.

"Oh." His face falls.

"Is there anyone you'd like me to call?" _He likes Haa-kun, doesn't he? And Aya, when Aya's in a mood to pay attention to him…_

"No," he says, and smiles again, and we both pretend that anything is alright. "There's no one."

A line from an English musical Aya made me listen to – by playing it very loudly when we were supposed to be studying – drifts through my mind.

_I'm afraid there's one left to come. _

_

* * *

_

_Days Earlier_

"_Momiji…" Vati kneels down and puts his arms around, wrapping me up safe and warm. His head falls on my shoulder, and I try not to wonder why he won't look in my eyes. _

"_Your Mama's case seems hopeless now. But… they say if she forgets about you, she might get better." _

It's not my fault. Please, please tell me it's not my fault.

Please lie to me.

_"I imagine this will be really hard for you, Momiji." His voice stays under the cover of whispers so he won't cry, and his arms tighten around me. "But Papa will love you more than enough for both of us."_

Don't make me say it. Don't make it real.

_"If you love Mama too… will you help her?"_

What does that leave me to say?

_"I – I'll do anything for her, Papa. But if I go away will she really be better? Will she stop crying all the time and be okay just because I'm gone?"_

_"Momiji-kun, it's not that – it's not you…"_

_He pulls back to look at me and I wish he wouldn't. I want someone to hold me, and I don't want to see the lie on his face. Don't want to see my Vati searching for words that won't make sense even to a little kid. "But if you help us with this, yes, she will get better. I promise."_

Because I'll be gone. Because I hurt her this much.

_I smile and say, "Yes, then. For Mutti."_

_"Thank you, Momiji." Papa hugs me again and I cling to him_. Please please please make this go away, make it not real, make it stop.

_"You realize, this is going to mean some changes. You'll have to spend time at the Main House, because seeing you too much could make Mama's memories come back. There will be plenty of people to take care of you there, of course, and I'll spend as much time with you as I can and then some. But I have to take care of Mama too. Can you understand that? That even if I don't stay with you all the time, I still love you?"_

_"Yes, Papa."_ It's easier to say this time. Maybe someday I'll get used to it. Maybe I'll stop wishing…

_"Papa… Could I talk to Mama, though, first?"_

_He looks at me again. "Ah, Momiji…"_

_"Please? Please, Papa? One more time?"_

_"You know your Mama isn't well right now –"_

_"Mama's never well, but she will be soon, right? So can I talk to her? She doesn't have to answer."_

_"Ahm, I don't know if – I suppose if that's really what you want…"_

_"Yes."_ It's even easier. Just can't say no.

_"Well, then… she's in having a lie-down. Just… don't stay too long, will you? Mama doesn't mean to hurt your feelings, Momiji, but she's so upset, you know."_

_"Okay, Papa." _

_

* * *

_

_"Mama? Mama, it's me, Momiji. I'll be really fast so I don't tire you out, I just want to ask you a question, okay?"_

_The room is dark, and she's sitting staring out a window, curled up in the window seat. She's pale and messy, with bags under her eyes._

_She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen._

_"If I say no, will you go away and leave me alone?" Her voice is on the edge of tears but it's a good day. She doesn't scream._

_No, just… doesn't look._

_"Mutti –"_

_"Don't you call me that word."_

_"Oh." I swallow. "Oh, um. Mama, are you really going to get all better just from forgetting about me?"_

_Hair like sunlight falls around her face. Daisies and butter and sunflowers, little chicks and gold. Happy hair, hair that means warmth and love._

_"How can you even ask me that? You? You're not possible. There are humans and there are animals and there is nothing in between. There isn't. You're an abomination."_

Please, _her eyes say, half-hidden behind her hair and staring at the wall._ Please tell me there isn't. Please…

Lie to me.

_"Okay, Mama. I love you."_

_I back out and shut the door. I slide down to the floor and hide my face in my hands to cry, but I keep hoping she'll hear._

_I'm not strong. I want her to tell me she loves me too._

_I want her to keep trying._

_I want her to love me._

_I didn't mean to not be good enough. It was an accident._

_Just an accident._

* * *

"Hatori." The name is spoken so softly I come close to not hearing it. I've nearly drifted off, sitting here outside the door to Akito's bedroom and waiting. 

"Hm? Oh, I'm sorry, Kureno…"

The fifteen-year-old shakes his head and points behind him, to the door. He wasn't in there before, was he…? "Don't be. But Akito wants you now."

"Thank you." I stand. One of my feet has gone to sleep without me.

Oh, and now I'm using their expressions. It's deprived of circulation due to prolonged pressure, not asleep. Thank you, Aya and Gure.

Ignoring the uncomfortable prickling, I open the door again as Kureno does that eerie sliding-into-the-shadows thing he does.

The room is dark, of course. It always is; all of his rooms are too dark. And with the sun nearly set, the only light even from the half-shuttered windows is dying, the color of rust or blood.

"Hatori…" I turn, and there they are. On his bed. Akito is leaning against the corner of the wall, Momitchi cradled on his lap. Even in this light, I can see that the blond boy is sleeping, cheeks sticky with dried tears.

"Did you hear him, Hatori? He cried so hard… for so long… I think he exhausted himself just crying. I'd forgotten how tiring it can be."

"I suppose, especially as he's so small, it would be tiring."

So small…

Whether what I did was right is irrelevant. I did what I was told to.

"I want him to stay with you tonight."

"What? With me?"

"Yes, with you." A trace of irritation. "I have been very understanding, because I love him very much, but there are limits. I've made him feel better, or at least not as bad, but he's going to wake up tonight crying. For her." He spits the word. "Stupid, ugly woman. Not treasuring my precious Momitchi… So much for the better, really… It's not as if she could have him. He's been taught early on whom to turn to…

"But I seem to have drifted off the subject." He smiles at me as the light dies just a bit more. It's a beautiful smile.

"What I meant to say is, that if he continues to cry over her I may just lose my patience. I'll see him again tomorrow… and there will be people to look after him… however. I want you to watch over him for me, serene Hatori. All right?"

It may be phrased as a question, but it's not one. And I'm always relieved when he relaxes his jealous vigilance over our interaction, so I nod and summon a smile myself. "I'll watch over him for you."

* * *

My father is not going to be pleased about an unannounced guest in our rooms of the House if he's awake. 

But then, pleased is not something that he generally is.

Another few months until graduation. Then… then things will change.

"Father?" I say it very softly, and not entirely because I don't wish to wake the pliant form in my arms.

There's no answer. That delays the "You were out late last night" speech until morning, at least.

I slip into my room and lay the boy on the bed, flicking on the bedside lamp and fishing through his messily packed suitcase for something resembling pajamas.

No… no… in fact, most of his packing seems to consist of stuffed animals, games, and books. Board books, photo albums…

I can't open those.

I sift until I find at least some clothes, and then look in silence at the packing job of five-year-old whose parents didn't think to check his suitcase.

Somehow, this, out of everything, is what makes my throat close and eyes burn.

I'll never make this happen to someone. I am never, ever going to make memories that will have to be erased. They're so much younger, but I have to learn from their mistakes.

I will not let this happen because of me.

"Mutti?" Momitchi stirs and opens his eyes.

The light. Damn.

"Akito?"

"Momitchi… you're going to spend the night here, all right?"

"Hatori?" He sits up, scrubbing at his face with the back of his hand. His voice trembles. "But – but I don't want –" He hiccups and continues, "I don't want to stay with you…"

I blink uncertainly. I wish Shigure were here. "Why not?"

He drops his hands and, too tired to pretend, just looks.

The look – bafflement, anger, loss, agony – is like a punch to the gut.

Because it was you. You did it.

"Momitchi, I only did what I had to," I say firmly. "You have every right to blame me, but you do have to stay here tonight."

"N –" he starts.

What? What can you say, what can you do?

How can you still feel you matter?

You're gone.

"Okay," he murmurs.

"Just… try to get some sleep. And then wherever you want to stay, we can arrange tomorrow."

His eyes are broken, as empty as my words. We both know where he wants to stay.

"All right." I sigh, dropping my head. "That wasn't true. But even if you hate me, and if it helps feel free to… I'm what you've got tonight. So if there's anything I can do to –"

He hurls himself from the edge of the bed and into my arms, hugging me fiercely, looking up at me with eyes so focused it's unnerving.

"It's not there…"

His arms go limp.

"What's not there?"

"The feeling inside… When Vati hugs me and everything is warm and almost full… the bits Mama left empty? Akito-san fills me up all the way inside when he hugs me, but it's so cold." He clenches my shirt in tiny fists. "You're a good hugger, Hatori," he adds, as if anxious, now, not to hurt my feelings. "It's just that… I don't think I'm ever going to be warm and all filled up, ever. Do you?"

_What do you want me to say? _

I shake my head honestly.

"I don't know."

* * *

AN: Review candy much wanted! Please be honest. Like the little review thingy says, we're all here to grow as writers... or something like that... 

Right, Rin's next, and unless someone can think of someone else I should do, that'll be it.

Oh, and a fun game for Momiji fans who own the CD _200km In the Wrong Lane_ by t.A.T.u., try listening to the song Malchik Gay and, whenever they say "Malchik gay" replace it with "Momiji." It's fun. The song turns into, for example,

_I want to pull you _

_Closer, closer, closer, closer _

_As you leave me feeling frozen _

_Momiji, Momiji, _

_ I can be all you need _

_Momiji, Momiji _

_Won't you please stay with me _

_Momiji, Momiji... _

And no, I don't own that either.


	5. Chapter 5

AN: Right then. Rin's eight, Haru's six, Kyo's seven… Ooh, and I was right about an age for the first time in my life! I was guessing Rin to be two years older than Haru and then in the manga there was a note that said that right out straight! I rule. This is after Haru explodes at Yuki and gets his adorable crush.

Okay, this is important: SPOILERS for Rin/Isuzu's childhood. Lots of them. Virtually the entire first and second scenes are taken from the… bugger… fifteenth volume, I think it is. Could be fourteenth. The one with lots of stuff about Rin's childhood.

And these are in reverse chronological order. So, the last scene happened first, then one day later the second scene, and then two weeks later the first.

Disclaimer: Nothing here is mine but the exact phraseology, and sometimes not even that.

* * *

_The Little Girl Lost_

"_Mother! mother! where are you going? _

"_O do not walk so fast. _

"_Speak, mother, speak to your little girl, _

"_Or else I shall be lost." _

_The night was dark, no mother was there;_

_The child was wet with dew;_

_The mire was deep, & the child did weep, _

_And away the vapour flew. _

I'm swimming, lost in blue waves and white caps. Or am I flying…?

"Haru… Haaa-ruuuu…."

I drag my eyes away from the sky and clouds that have been holding my attention for what I realize now must have been a bit long for Momiji, and look at him.

"So do you know?"

"Hm?"

"You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you, Haru?" Momiji grins.

I shake my head regretfully. I hate to drift off on Momiji. He has enough people who ignore him.

Then, so do I… and Kyo… and Yuki and Rit-chan and…

So this time I fasten my eyes on Momiji's and give him every bit of my attention while he repeats his story and question.

When he's done, he goes to play with Kyo, who has the same recess as us for half an hour even though he's a year ahead of us. I wonder vaguely if "play with" means enjoin in playful activities with or tease.

Normally I'd be with them, because they're kind of my responsibility, but without thinking about it I wander over to the sidelines and climb on to the wall around the playground.

Yes, here works. I can watch them better, though I'm not close enough to help… ah, I should go back…

The ragged breathing behind me makes me turn. A slender form in the uniform of the girls' school near our boys' counterpart… Dark hair that swirls around her in its own wind, hair that always reminds me of what it looks like when you pour milk in tea, only in reverse.

That hair…

The girl's head is down, and she's leaning against the wall helplessly. Her breathing isn't just ragged; it's being sobbed from deep inside her. Gasps.

She drops to her knees and retches, the contents of her stomach making a rebellious bid for sunlight.

I only see it from the corner of my eye as I drop down and come around the corner of the wall.

She's crumpled on her side on the walk, looking like a bird shot from the sky. I touched a bird once, after it was dead. It felt so warm and soft… light. Like it could still fly.

I drop on my knees, and turn my head sideways to meet her eyes, the drawstring of my sweatshirt clattering on the paving stones. A puff of sour air hits my face, and my heart slows down a little.  
It's been beating, I realize, in my throat like a hummingbird's wings.

"Ah… good. You're still breathing." I think you're supposed to talk to people when they're like this. "Just… wait a minute."

Isuzu's chocolate eyes fasten on mine in a moment of quizzical recognition before they go hazy and filmy.

"_Teacher… teacher_." I'm not quite yelling, but I'm running and I'm loud enough that the nearest recess monitor notices and frowns. "My cousin's out on the sidewalk and she needs to go to the hospital right away," I announce. On the edge of my vision, I note Kyo and Momiji turning away from their game.

Playtime's over.

* * *

"Hatsuharu?" Kazuma-dono looks down at me, puzzled. "What are you doing here?" 

"I rode with her," I say calmly.

The hospital is too loud and smelly. Probably Rin isn't going to like it here when she wakes up. They won't let me in her room yet. She's still unconscious and they won't tell me what's wrong because I'm too little to understand.

"That was very thoughtful of you." He looks at the door I'm crouching outside of. "Kyo and Momiji had them call me… Hatori-kun should be along as well as soon as Akito-san can spare him."

_Spare him? Rin's_ sick.

Kazuma-dono rests a hand on my shoulder. His hand is very warm and heavy, swallowing my whole shoulder under a blanket of calm.

"Her parents, though?" I nudge.

He looks at me silently, and I realize Rin hasn't been out to play in too long, not once since that day. I should have noticed. I shouldn't have been so slow…

"Isuzu's parents… we weren't sure they'd show up." He looks at me sympathetically. "They've had a falling out."

_Her too. Them too. _

And in a family of one hundred and fifty immediate members, one adult could be counted on to show up.

I look back down. Kazuma-dono's eyes are nice and warm and liquid, but the lights behind them, on the ceiling, are too bright.

Then the doctor shows up, and looks relieved to see a grown-up. "You're here for Sohma Isuzu?" He asks hopefully. He's a nice guy, probably. But knowing there's someone to turn Rin over to is going to make his life just a little easier.

It's okay; I'd feel the same in his position. If she wasn't my cousin, if I didn't know how magical she is, like a candle dancing in a dark room.

But she is, and I do.

"…Her weakened state also…" The doctor and Kazuma open the door, and Kazuma-dono steps in to keep and eye on her. "If we could have been made aware of her situation a little sooner… For the time being we should probably arrange for her to be hospitalized. Her parents will be contacted about her condition, although they can't see her until she recovers –" something catches Kazuma's eye and he turns.

"Aah… Isuzu," he says, "how do you feel?" There's a pause, and presumably off her look, he offers, "This is a hospital." The doctor glances at me, summons up a smile, and retreats.

I picture Rin opening her eyes here and curl up tighter in my seat. A blink from dark to light, and nothing there but strangers. No reason to bear the light.

"Who…" Her voice is scratchy and choked.

"Sohma Kazuma… I wonder if you'll know who I am if I tell you I'm Sohma Kyo's adoptive father. Does that help?" Nothing for a moment, and his soothing voice continues, "Hatsuharu found you where you had fainted and –"

Blankets rustle and springs creak. "…I have to go back!" She sounds terrified. "I… have to get home…!"

"I've already called your house," Kazuma-dono says gently. "We'll have a talk about what happened to make you weak later, but now, Isuzu, you must rest." His voice never strays from its comforting tracks, not even for a moment, but there's something… a inflection, a dip in the road…

They hit her. He knows they've been hitting her…

_How could they… they were so happy, they were perfect, they… _

…_loved her. _

"Wh – why… Stop it! What are you - ! Just stop this! Leave me alone!" Desperation pulls her voice tight like a rubber band about to break, and I turn, frightened.

Rin never sounds like this. Never.

Rin is happy.

"I'm so bad…"

I stand.

"Because it's all my fault…"

I stand in the doorway and watch my Rin with broken glass inside her. I can almost see through her to the pieces, and she's hitting with limp fists at Kazuma, who has his hands on her shoulders to keep her from falling off the bed she's kneeling on.

"I've got to get home…!" Kazuma-dono's face looks like I feel inside, I notice. Like he's going to be sick from tears.

There's someone standing behind me, and I look back and up. Short, wavy blond hair and a long brown skirt.

Rin's mom.

"It's okay," she starts, and I pretend for the split second it takes her to continue that this is all going to go away, "if you don't come back anymore. It's fine. Go somewhere where I can't see you anymore. Because I… don't understand anymore." She sounds lost, but more than anything else… she sounds cold. "I just don't see how I can possibly love you anymore."

"No…" Rin's face is blank with fear. Her hands drop away from Kazuma's face like she can 't remember to pump blood into the muscles, can't remember to breathe. "Mother, please don't say…" _Don't say it, don't say it out loud. _

The words are heavy and hot, uncomfortable, like swallowing something too big and feeling it going down, too slow. They hurt, they're wrong.

But they lie there and they can't be unsaid.

_To her face… cruel, unnecessary…_

"How…" Inside me, something goes black and I can stay calm, the way I should be, and not blame anyone.

I'm really fucking pissed. That bitch – so she doesn't love Rin, does that mean she has to tear her into little pieces?

On the bed, Rin is nothing but little pieces of torn paper, thrown and scattered.

"…can you say such a thing so easily? What are we supposed to do when our own parents tell us something like that! Even though Rin thinks she's 'bad,' you people, you people won't even think that things you've been doing are wrong! Venting your angers on us, hitting and laughing at us, looking down on us, you're hurting yourselves by hurting your children - "

Kazuma has moved around and has an arm across my chest. "Haru…"

The woman looks at me and nothing I say makes a dent in her shell. Nothing. Because she doesn't care and never did.

"How can you not understand something so simple!"

I try to throw the interfering bastard off, and now he's holding onto me in earnest. "Haru…"

"Say you're sorry! Apologize…!" She's backing away, expressionless. "Apologize to Rin!" The door closes behind her, and I stop struggling, though Kazuma still holds my shoulders.

I hate them, hate them all… Is it such a fairy tale to just have someone care? A little? What is he afraid I'm gonna do?

"Hey! I told you to apologize!" I yell futilely, helpless, useless, unneeded.

"Haru…" It's Rin this time, on her hands and knees on the bed, tears falling from her eyes and her milk-in-tea hair hanging limp. "Haru… Th – thank you…"

But it isn't enough, because she doesn't believe it.

How can she think she's worth anything when they tell her she's not? How can… any of us…

And her tears keep coming, not because she's getting rid of them or even because she can't hold them in anymore, but because she can't be bothered to. Can't bring herself to care.

Why should she? _They_ don't.

She's alone.

* * *

_Two Weeks Earlier_

_A happy home. _

_Sometimes I feel bad for how happy I am. How happy we are. All of us together, us three. A little circle no one else can break in to. _

_The other juunishi look heartbroken. Kagura and Hiro have love, but all the others… Well, some of the others are loved, in a way, but always it's not enough, or it's the wrong kind. _

_I don't know how they do it. My world… My parents are my world, my little family of protection inside the Sohma cage. I may be in a cage, but my view is beautiful. _

_I'm happy. _

_Because they love me, and I love them. I matter to them. I matter. I am someone important, not because I'm a wealthy Sohma with a curse, a bond to a sad little boy who's even younger than I am. _

_I matter because they love me. _

_We always have fun. We always smile and laugh together. We're happy. _

_I sip from my teacup and watch their faces, watch them laugh at a joke Daddy's told. It's not really funny, but that's why we laugh, really. Because he does try. _

_So we have to laugh. _

"I'm mad at you!"

_I wish I could not ask this, but I have to know. I have to know that they aren't masks in a play. No one could do this, not for eight years. _

_I would know. _

_I have nothing to worry about. _

_But as I open my mouth, I start to feel alone for the first time in my life. _

"_Why? Why are Mama and Papa always having so much fun? Are you really having fun?" _

Life isn't fun, Isuzu, and night always follows day

"_Is there nothing you're sad about?" _

_All it needed was those words… _

_The table our tea is on, on the back porch of our house, clatters. It's so light. It takes so little for Mama to push it over. _

_One little push, and everything it was holding up breaks. _

"_For whose sake do you think we do it! For whom do we try so hard every single day…" _

_Papa just looks away. _

_He doesn't say anything. Maybe if I'd just asked him we could have kept playing. _

_But Mama doesn't like this game anymore._

_And that's the worst thing. It's ugly of me, but if they can't love me, couldn't they have pretended to? Was it that hard? Could hollow happiness be so much worse than this… _

_I hate them for not being better liars. _

_I burn inside with shame at the thought. No wonder… no wonder they don't love me, can't… _

_Not their fault. _

"_Don't mess with me!" _

…_And the play was over. _

_

* * *

_

One Day Earlier

I sit and watch.

Akito, Yuki, and Rin are playing chess, and I am as well. We're on teams, Rin and I against Akito and Yuki, which is a vastly unfair match if you think about it, but none of us are paying attention to the game, really.

We all know well enough to let Akito win, anyway, so it doesn't much matter.

"…that doesn't make sense," Akito is saying, frowning at something Rin said. "And… Isuzu… you should cut your hair. It's getting too long."

She glares. "My Mama thinks it's –"

"Kagura!"

We all look up at the sharp sound and a moment later, Gura-neechan comes racing in, glaring and near tears, to throw herself down between Akito and Yuki, who move to make room for her with wide eyes.

Then Kagura's mother comes in, lips pressed tight because angry isn't something you should be in public.

"No!" Kagura exclaims. "Go away! I'm mad at you!" She hides her face in Akito's wide sleeve even though they're both ten and, in some people's opinions, shouldn't be acting quite like this.

I tend to think those people are wrong. Just my opinion.

I watch the little lines on Kagura's mom's mouth spread. She kneels and bows to Akito. "Akito-sama…"

"You are dismissed," he says without looking at her. His eyes are on Kagura's head, and he runs his fingers through her hair, watching it flow between his fingers with something like wonder.

"Yes, Akito-san. I'll be back for Kagura by three." She bows again and stands, sliding the door shut behind her.

I contemplate things to make sure they're holding together. Yuki looks frightened, but not too much. As long as I smile at him and keep Akito in a good mood, if that's possible, he'll calm down soon.

Kagura pops back up, already smiling.

Akito smiles at her, his truly-happy smile that he gets when we come to him, when he perceives us as having chosen him.

Rin is staring at Kagura like someone's died, all dark and cold, but don't know yet and are still walking around.

"Kagura…" she breathes.

At her tone, everyone turns to look at her.

"What? Isuzu-chan, what's wrong?"

"Your mama…"

"What about her?"

"She – she's being mean like…" she looks at Yuki and me and tries not to look at Akito, whose eyes narrow.

"Oh!" Kagura laughs, mood, as ever, flipping from worry back to happiness like a spring breeze changing directions. "Isuzu! She wanted me to wait for her and I ran out ahead, so she's mad. When she comes back I'll say sorry and it'll be fine." She flips her hair and adds loftily, "I mean, I am _ten_. It's about time she wasn't so clingy."

Just a mood, just a snatch of breeze to be blown away by the one that follows. Gura-neechan is like that. Soon she'll be clinging to her mother's skirts again, and then she'll swing back this way once more.

But Isuzu is frowning. "But… fine? She yelled at you."

Kagura blinks, looking to Akito and Yuki on either side of her for help.

They can't. They're kind of in agreement, if not so strongly. Yelling is bad. It means they don't love you.

"Maybe," I try, "Gura-neechan means that it's good they pay enough attention to yell."

"Yeah," she says, grinning. "Haru-kun sees! And…" she frowns, groping for words she doesn't know to express something she's never had to name. "And… if you love someone… you can yell at them and it's okay. It's all right for there to be clouds, because the sun always comes out." She grins, pleased with her explanation, looking to Akito for approval.

He's watching Isuzu.

"But, no – if you love someone you don't yell at them," Isuzu says.

She looks scared still.

Akito leans forward, eyes glinting. "Maybe…" he says softly, "maybe what Isuzu is afraid of is that the floor she's standing on is made of glass. I think you're afraid to throw stones, Isuzu, and find that what you thought was stone could shatter so easily."

He leans away again, his smile looking more like that of a cat who's gotten a bird. Content.

"You think they're really that happy? You think that's natural? You've never seen their faces for the comedy masks they are?" His voice is low, words nearly chanted, making my eyelids heavy.

"Life isn't fun, Isuzu, and night always follows day."

"You're wrong." Isuzu's voice is rough, but stays below the line between speech and whisper.

"Am I? Then argue. Throw a stone. Prove that your house is stone, that they can possibly love you…" _the way I do. For real._ "That they're telling the truth."

Rin stands, nostrils flared and hands in gracefully curled fists. She looks like a wild mare, made of wind and fire.

"I will. You don't know. How could you? You're wrong."

_How could you?_

Akito opens his mouth, eyes dark, and I say, "Hey… check." His gaze slices through the air and burns into me. "I think we've got a check," I shrug.

I tug Rin's hand and she sits back down, and Akito surveys the board. "No…"

"Oh." I blink, confused. "It's gone. A mystery…"

"This game is boring anyway," Kagura announces, tugging on Akito's sleeve. "Right? Right, Yun-chan? Let's play something else. Let's go outside. I'll push you on the swing, Akito-kun, okay? And then you push me?"

Attention sways in another direction, the dam holds.

* * *

I push Yuki and Kagura pushes Akito, once Shigure drops by and convinces him to swing at all, and they hold hands to see how close together we can keep them while in the air. 

Gure-nii is talking to Rin, facing us. He's smiling the same as ever, but…

We go home eventually, and with Akito on the edge of a bad mood, I don't get to talk to Rin that day any more.

Then I don't see her again for a while, but I didn't think…

I thought they loved her. I thought she was safe from him, just a little.

And it's only when I see her falling to the ground that I remember how her back looked while she was talking to Gure-nii.

Head and shoulders hanging like a thread holding them up had been cut. Like there was something she'd lost.

Like something I thought was hers forever had been taken away.

Worst, taken away so easily. She barely had to try, and then they just stopped trying.

* * *

AN: Need I say it again? I must have reviews! 

And just as an aside, there's one more planned. This happened to go quickly, it being my little two-day vacation and all, but chapter six will certainly take longer. Possibly weekend after next, probably this coming weekend. Mm... and just as a little aside, I love Kazuma. He so damn sweet. And his face is so expressive... I mean, the same person draws them, so they should all be equally emotive, but there's just something about seeing tears in his eyes that makes me want to cry. And when he smiles I want to smile. Go figure.


	6. Chapter 6

AN: This is completely spoiler-FREE (except for two minis in the notes, but they have warnings). All my fanfics take place in a slightly AR but _consistent_ 'verse, and since I didn't know about the Kureno Spoiler when I wrote the previous ones, it's not here either. The Akito Spoiler can be used if you like, but it isn't actually written in. Basically the parentage I constructed for Kureno was there to set out why he's "inferior" _sans_ spoiler, and to answer my little question (SLIGHT SPOILER in next sentence) – what if Kyoko hadn't remembered Tohru when she was looking over that wall? Plus I don't know anything about Kureno's parents… whatever, I'm sure they were nothing like this.

Akito's six, Shigure's fourteen and Kureno's twelve.

Disclaimer: Nothing, I own nothing. I am desolate and alone. Even the first scene is Conner/Jasmine-inspired. I like it, though.

Dedication: Oh, wait, I'm not desolate and alone after all. Still the same.

Acknowledgements: neko-girl4 came up with Kureno as a candidate. I would never have thought of it in a million years. --bonks head, which echoes-- So yay for her!

* * *

_The Little Boy Lost_

"_Mother! mother! where are you going? _

"_O do not walk so fast. _

"_Speak, mother, speak to your little boy, _

"_Or else I shall be lost." _

_The night was dark, no mother was there;_

_The child was wet with dew;_

_The mire was deep, & the child did weep, _

_And away the vapour flew. _

"Tell me a story," I demand.

Kureno, sitting with his back against my futon and my legs dangling on either side of him so that I can play with his hair, says, "If you like, of course, but shouldn't you be thinking of going to sleep? And I'm not much good at telling stories."

I tighten my grip in his autumn-brown locks, smiling impatiently. "I want you to tell me a true story. And I'm not tired. Tell me where your parents are."

He goes very still and I can feel that gaping emptiness inside him, that place I can't touch.

I hate that place.

"You live here, with me all the time," I say softly. "No one takes care of you but me. Not even Mother minds you being with me. Why?"

"Akito…"

"Kureno…" I sing-song.

He sighs, almost a laugh. "All right, if you want to know."

He pauses, head hanging, and gathers his knees up to his chest, curling in on himself. I slide down beside him, tugging his knees down and climbing onto his lap.

I don't like it when he closes up.

"Well…? Once upon a time…" I prompt, because that's how Shigure starts his stories.

Kureno lifts his head and his eyes soften. I'm not sure why until he starts speaking. "Once up a time," he repeats, "there was a man who was a servant in a castle."

Not real. Like the stories Shigure tells. That's why… he needs a curtain. Is it so bad, then?

"The man had very simple duties – to clean and drive and follow orders. And usually, he followed them. But when it mattered most, he failed to obey. He fell in love with a girl he shouldn't have, a girl who was…" Kureno's cheeks look warm, and I put my hands on them. They feel burning, but then my hands are cold.

"A girl who was…"

He looks at me protectively, and I smile. He settles for, "A working girl."

"Oh." I nearly dismiss this, as real work, needed work, is obviously for paupers and not those worthy of the attentions of a Sohma. Only…

"But he worked."

Kureno won't look at me. "Well, her job, Akito, it wasn't… When you're older, okay?"

I glare. He pleads with his eyes.

"All right."

He takes a breath and his voice falls back into its lulling monotone. "He was told unequivocally to stay away from this girl, but he wouldn't. He married her in secret, and thought he could keep her that way. A secret. But then she… they had a child. And it wasn't… it was a cursed child. The rooster was expected, and he had to tell.

"The girl asked him not to. Then she told him not to. And when it came to that, she told him he'd have to choose between her and his family, but however he chose, she was keeping her child.

"He chose his family, and told them. But then he got sick…

"The girl ran away with her child, but the family in the castle found her easily and watched her.

"They just waited.

"And they were right. She couldn't take it. Having a child like that… it was too much. So she went to live with her husband, and they were given fine rooms in the castle, better work, everything they wished for.

"But the man never got better, and eventually he died.

"After that, the woman was very sad. She forgot about her child for a while, and the little boy… He waited for her. He kept thinking she'd come back and be behind her eyes again, that she'd… realize that he loved her, still.

"She never did. She got sick inside, and she wouldn't let the magician heal her mind. So one day, she drank a lot and let herself fall off a bridge.

"The little boy was four then. He'd been three when his father died, and now…

"The king of the castle told him that he would live there, in the castle still, and he didn't need to worry. The queen told him that he had better earn his keep if he was going to trouble them.

"So he did his best, but he was always alone inside until the queen found herself with child. He had a dream about the child and it filled him up, and when the queen told him that he was a present to her child and was supposed to take care of it, he didn't mind.

"When he was six, the child was born. And he fell in love with the baby right there and then, and took care of him forever, and they all lived happily ever after."

The rhythm of his voice, never straying in its tone, has made my eyes heavy, and I'm leaning against his chest.

I can hear his heartbeat.

"They were happy?" I murmur, wrapping my arms around him.

"Yes, they were happy," he repeats, voice hoarse and empty.

I frown, awake now, and sit up.

Shigure's stories make me more awake. His voice changes, his hands fly and his words are like water, curling around in whatever shapes he lays out.

But they're not true. They hide him. This is different.

"Kureno, why aren't you happy?" I move to kneel on his legs, looking right into his eyes. "You have me."

"I am happy, Akito. I love you very much."

"Don't say that! Don't say it if you don't mean it!" My eyes narrow and I clench my hands in his shirt, hating how much I love the words, even empty. "Why are you sad?"

"I – I'm not sad… I just… I can't let them go. The only way to let it go is to forget them, and I can't. I can't let that happen. What they did was wrong and shameful, but they were my _parents_."

I wrap my arms around his neck, pressing myself to his chest so there's no room for him to breathe without breathing me. "But they left you." I let in the bigger part of myself, the part that blurs my edges and makes my head hurt. "They left you and I never will.

"They might have been your parents, but I am your god, and I am still here."

His eyes are very close. I'm reflected in them and don't like what I see.

That doesn't matter.

"Kureno… I love you. I love every bit of you, and every bit of you is mine. Including this hurt." I press a kiss on each of his eyelids, locking my hands behind his head. "It's mine and I want it."

I kiss his lips, pushing our mouths together. "Give it to me."

He puts his hands on my shoulders and gently guides me back. "Akito," he pleads, a hand unconsciously touching his lips where I did, "it's all I have of them."

I bite my lip, just a little boy again. "You love them more than me."

"Don't do that… please, don't be like your… listen, loving someone else doesn't mean I love them more. Things aren't black and white like that."

_They are to me. _

I stand abruptly, leaving him cold and empty where I was. "Get out."

"Akito." Plea, demand.

"Out! I told you to get out!" He stands and I grab his wrist, tipping my head back to look at him. He's too tall. "Why? Why are they better than me? You never even knew them!"

"They aren't, it isn't that… Why do I have to choose?"

"_Because I told you to,_" I hiss. My heart is too small, squeezing on the feelings that threaten to spill out.

Every time I test them, prove her wrong, prove that their love for me is _real_, I'm so afraid…

That this will be the time they don't love me enough.

So afraid that I wonder if I wouldn't refuse to see it if it happened.

"Okay," he says.

I let out a sigh and drop my head, putting my arms around his waist. I have to stretch even to do that. "Okay…"

"What do you want me to do to prove it?" His voice is as empty as my victory, but everything will be better once this is over. That empty space's walls will collapse and I can have that space.

Then he'll be happy.

"Get rid of them. Forget them. Mother will remind you, I know. I'll tell you what you told me, and that you let Hatori take them away, and you'll know.

"But you won't feel it."

He kneels and meets my eyes. "Okay," he repeats.

He lets his head drop onto my shoulder and I smile and hug him tight.

I echo once again, "Okay."

* * *

_One Day Later_

"_Kureno," Haa-niisan starts, his tone as close to openly strained as I've ever heard it. _

_Not that I hear it very much. _

"_Haa-nii, please don't. Yes, I know what I'm doing. Yes, I'm sure. No, I won't regret it." _

"_Not ever?" Gure-nii is leaning against the wall, eyes glinting. "Never is such a long time to not once think 'Damn, I wish I could remember mum' in." _

"_Nii-san…" I wish he wouldn't. If there is one person on earth who can make me doubt even Akito, it's Gure-nii. I think I'd be insane without him. "Nii-san. Tell me you could go in there and tell him that you wouldn't do something he wanted, something that matters to him." _

_Nii-san shakes his head. His ever-present grin is lurking only in the corners of his mouth, held by habit. "Someone has to," he murmurs. "Our sweet Akito-kun is getting a tad addicted to power." _

_I bite my lip at the blasphemy, but I know what he means. Those times when you know he's doing something just for fun, just because he can. _

"_Shigure!" Haa-nii snaps. "Stop that. Akito is god, anything he does is entirely his prerogative." _

"_Yes, Ha-san, there is that." Nii-san smiles cursorily. "But don't tell me it doesn't make you nervous. This is unnecessarily cruel, and we both know it. Akito doesn't. Do you realize the ditch we're digging ourselves into? It's not that he wants to hurt anyone; he just hasn't been taught that anyone else has a right to feelings. And we're making it worse." _

_Haa-nii turns back to me, because letting Nii-san see the look in his eyes would be too much of a confirmation but it doesn't matter if I do. _

_He looks like someone who has one foot over a cliff and is going to put the other over as well, maybe because it's too late, maybe because he just can't think of a rationalization for diving back. _

_He won't do anything. Neither will Nii-san, not even him I don't think. And I know I won't. How could we ever… no, we'll never be strong enough, and partly because he's so weak. He just looks at you like that and… _

"_Shigure, you should probably go." _

_Nii-san shakes his head, though not in negation. "Okey-dokey, Ha-san, whatever you say." He walks over and pats my head. "You come and see me after, 'kay, Kureno-kun?" _

_I nod, relieved. Nii-san will know what to do. I can trust him. I love Akito, but I… I don't think I can trust him anymore. _

_The doors slide shut behind Nii-san and Ha-niisan and I are left in the bare room, kneeling, facing one another. _

"_All right," he sighs. "Close your eyes." _

_His hand is chilly and large across my closed lids. "This could take a few minutes," he cautions. "I need to bury them very deeply if you're going to be told about them and don't want to truly remember." There is, almost, a questioning inflection to his tone. _

_I'm a bit shocked, but perhaps it's just my imagination. I simply nod. _

"_Relax, then, Kureno," he sighs. _

_I could laugh at that, but I don't. I do try to, relax I mean. _

_There's white light and… _

_-"Oh! Oh, listen, love, Kureno-kun is talking! He said 'mama-'" _

_-"There's my boy, hold onto Daddy's hand and you'll be fine" _

_-"Why are you coughing so much? Did you take your medicine?" _

_-Glass smashing when Mama gets the call from the hospital _

_-Empty eyes that don't see me anymore _

_-"No, no, Kureno-san, your mother's busy right now" _

_-Crying, all night I can hear her crying through the walls _

_-Smell of alcohol in the kitchen every day _

_-"Mama?" Once every morning I try, but no more because I can't stand being invisible more than once a day _

_-"Your mother's gone out, Kureno-san, why? Do you not feel well?" _

_-"No! No, she wouldn't leave me forever, no, she was coming back" _

_-"Kureno-kun, it's okay, I've got you. Nii-san'll take care of you, okay? It wasn't your fault, you know that, right? She was just hurt too badly and it got infected, like a cut. Not your fault." But it is _

_-Why? Why couldn't you stay with me…Why did you ever come back here? Why weren't you stronger?_

…_then blackness. _

_

* * *

_

I hate waiting. It's pointless, especially for a god. You would think people wouldn't make me wait.

But I know Kureno doesn't mean to, and I'm really too kind-hearted to be cross. Just a tad impatient.

He finally, finally opens his eyes with a groan, and I clamber onto his bed to kneel where I can look down into them. "Kureno?" I say, while his vision clears. "Are you all right?"

I feel a little sick to my stomach, thinking that someone else has been in his head and he could be hurt and it's all my fault.

It makes me angry, thinking that anything could be my fault…

But Kureno's hand opens and I put mine against it, measuring our fingers together – mine still only half his size – and I forget that. "Akito? What happened? Why am I in bed in the middle of the day?"

I smile. "You were fulfilling your duty to me, remember?" I linger over the last word, and he puts a hand to his chest like it's paining him.

"Oh," he says, sitting up and moving his hand to his head. "My – my parents…" He looks sick and frightened. "I really can't… they're gone. They're truly gone." He looks up at me, and I blink, leaning back from the desperation in his gaze. "I don't even remember going to Hatori-niisan… I don't remember… anything…"

"Yes." I frown. "You don't need them." The walls around that empty space are crumbling. Soon he'll be all mine.

I wonder if that will change him?

"No." His voice echoes in the empty place. "No, I don't."

"Kureno, I – do you –" I start, but can't finish and in the silence there's a knock at the door.

"Akito-san? Has Sleeping Beauty arisen yet from her sweet slumber? Oops, I mean 'his', of course…"

I twist my lips, considering yelling. But it is Shigure, after all. I turn to Kureno. He looks startled, then touched. "Come in, Nii-san," he says.

"Ah, look at the two of you in bed," Shigure leers once the door is open. "Mind if I join you?" Without waiting for an answer, he plops down on my other side, wrapping an arm around me and reaching forward to tousle Kureno's hair. "Not to worry, I'll tell you all about the Aged Ps later on. And a florid tale it is, full of manly violence, the brave challenging of a cruel tyrant, and lots and lots of passionate –"

He says something else, but Kureno's hands are abruptly over my ears. Not an entirely effective way to block sounds, but I'm startled enough by his touch that I don't catch the word.

Kureno cautiously removes his hands under my baleful glare. "Sorry, Akito-san."

"Don't blame him, Akito-kun, he probably just saved me some severe disciplining later on, not to mention playing the white knight and defending your fragile virtue… So then, all's well that ends well, eh?"

I reach out, and Kureno gives me his hand.

Whatever he feels about what he's done… he did it. For me. And now he's all mine, nothing left for anyone else.

Still, I wait, and the knot in my stomach subsides only when Kureno says, "Yes, everything's fine," and smiles at me.

I don't know why I was worried.

I repeat to myself, "Everything's fine…"

Of course it is. This time, he won't be distracted. They're gone for good.

* * *

AN: SLIGHT SPOILER, nothing big, in the next paragraph: 

I could just die, the way Kureno still calls Shigure Nii-san when they're in their twenties even after everything… and that little sketch of them as kids… They're so cute! Poor Kureno, Shigure saying that to him… and it wasn't really his fault… Anyway, that's why I have him use it so much instead of "Gure-nii" or whatever. I figured it must have been quite an ingrained habit to go to something so intimate after everything that's happened between them thirteen or fourteen years later.

Review! Anything and everything. The good, the bad, the happy and the sad… that's from a song and I don't remember which one… Anyway, I live for feedback.

Oh! And I apologize to anyone who reviewed and asked who'd be next and didn't get an answer. I assumed that no one was serious about wanting to know, because I hate spoilers in any form so much… I realized after I'd replied that not everyone is my carbon copy. Which, actually, is the problem with the world.

Wow, but I can yammer.

But that's the end. Fic done… I'm sad.


End file.
